Disillusionment

We are all selfish dear, u r selfish and i m also selfish.......i
m selfish coz i want to get married and have children and experience a
married life.......u r selfish coz u want ur needs to be loved and
cared for and attention fulfilled through me....we all have our
personal needs and we only think about them.....and its normal.....

Yes, i had loved u....i had fallen in love with an illusion and one
day when that illusion broke, i was so much in love and used to u that
instead of breaking all ties with u, i decided to continue with the
relationship even though i knew its not going to be right......love is
blind and i just kept on.......i was weak, i cudnt resist u, i cudnt
think of wat life cud be without you, this person that i have
become so used to......so i forgave u and decided to love u and care
for u and pay attention to u......i was selfish......i wanted the
illusion to continue coz i enjoyed it so much.......i wanted the
pleasure to continue coz i was selfish.....i never realized that one
day when i have to separate from u, its going to hurt u so much....i
never thought abt wat will happen that day......i just preferred to
live in the illusion that u and i had created together.....and then
things got more and more intimate....i cudnt resist and neither cud
u.....i wanted the illusion to go on and on......becos i was
selfish....even though i knew its not the same thing, i wanted this
dream to continue.....

then things began to happen in my life.....my family began to start
thinking abt my marriage and i also started thinking abt it.......but
still i continued with u coz i was selfish.....i wanted my dream to go
on.....and at the same time, i was afraid to break ur dream, ur
desires, ur wishes.....i was scared to hurt u by doing so.....so i
continued.....that was my biggest mistake.....i was not being honest
with myself and with u....

life is getting frustrating......u were becoming dependent on me for
the fulfillment of ur own needs, ur need to be loved and cared
for....and it was becoming more and more difficult for me to give it
to u........coz i was torn between the desire to give u wat u wanted
and the desire to move on and have a normal life like my friends were
having......like my family wanted me to have....then things started
getting ugly...

i started becoming rude towards u, i started behaving harshly with
u....out of my own frustration at having carried a dream too far and
also coz ur demands for care and attention were disturbing me very
much......i was thinking i m such a bad person that i loved u and now
i dont have the courage to marry u and again i felt i loved someone
else not u and i loved u just coz my love continued from that illusion
to u......i torn between these thoughts.....i was thinking wat shud i
do.....is it my responsibility to continue with u coz i gave u so much
attention and now i want to take it away or is it my responsibility to
pay attention to my family and their happiness.....

then i decided to do the selfish thing dear.....i decided to bring
happiness to my mom, sister and others and marry a person instead of
focusing my energies on u......coz like all normal guys i also had the
desire to marry, have children, live a family life.....

but i was tense coz i was feeling i have wronged u that i gave u so
much and now i m doing this..........but i realized that i had fallen
in love with an illusion and i was so weak that even when the illusion
wasnt there, i wanted the illusion to continue and so i continued with
it and fell in love with u again....even after i knew that its not
possible to continue this love......i was selfish dear, very very
selfish :( but i was helpless and weak.......love makes us like
this......it makes us want to have more and more of it.......when u
were X, i was so addicted to u that even when the illusion broke
and u were no longer X....i cudnt give up my addiction......i
wanted it to continue.............i was weak and selfish...but it
cudnt continue....it had to stop sometime and the time has cum......so
i m trying to stop it now....

and u r going thru the same process that i went thru at that
time......i was weak and selfish just like u r now.......u want it to
continue....the love and attention.....u cant give it up......u r
addicted just like i was addicted to X and cudnt give up.....but
it has to stop dear for both of us to have normal lives......it
has to stop.....we have both been weak and selfish at one point in our
lives......but we cant let it happen again and again....

u say na u dont want anything from me....u never say wat u want
dear........but ur feelings r so strong and loud that u dont need
to say it.......it shouts at me "give me the love and care and
attention that u were giving me earlier".......it shouts at me
everytime u meet me and call me and chat with me and do smething for
me.........ur desires and ur needs shout at me........"give me wat u
gave me...i cant live without u......i cant handle the fact that u
cant give it to me now".......its so loud that u dont need to say it
in words....u want ur personal needs fulfilled through me
dear.....even though u always say i want nothing from u....

i know dear just like i got so attached to u, now u have become
attached to me.....but this attachment will lead us nowhere......u
have nothing to lose.....u have already lived ur life, u married, had
children, raised them up, now they r grown up.......but look at
me.....i m going to start my life.....i have lots to do.....my
attachment to u will never allow me to start a family life properly
and that is the only reason i m trying to get rid of this
attachment....my own selfish needs.........and u want me to remain
attached to u and care for u and love u......ur own selfish needs..

now i dunno whose needs to fulfill and whose needs to disregard......i
finally decided to fulfill my own needs to which my family's needs r
also attached......

u know wat dear, even in a mother-child relationship, sometimes
the mother becomes irritated with the child for crying and wanting to
suck milk everytime...even though the mother knows that the child is
dependent on her and wants her love and attention, but still she gets
irritated sometimes......its natural..its difficult to attend to
another person's needs all the time.......then imagine if a mother can
get irritated at the child's demands for attention....who m i not to
get irritated at ur demands for attention? thats why i got
irritated.......

dont keep saying i hate u now and all that.......its nonsense....i
dont hate u and neither will i ever hate u.....i was just overburdened
with ur demands and wanted a break.....but u r so blind to my needs
that u kept thinking wats wrong, why m i behaving like this, why cant
i love u and care for u........u kept thinking only and only abt ur
needs.....just like i kept thinking abt my needs when u revealed u r
someone else.......but haan, i also thought abt ur needs at that time and so
i decided to keep my friendship with u.......but i was wrong, i never
realized that one day i have to separate and its gonna hurt u.....i
was immature...i didnt think so much.....but we have to go thru this
pain of separation.....

we cant remain attached like this forever.......i will never hate u.....

i know when u read this mail and if u reply u will say many things
from ur point of view, u will try to defend ur behavior, ur actions,
ur demands....i will read them and again i will feel i m being so
selfish and mean to be doing this.........again i will think abt it,
and again i will come up with more points to defend my own views and
this will go on......

we r all selfish and we will always try to defend our needs........i
will defend mine and u will defend urs...........the point is that i
have decided that i cant keep up with the relationship with
u.......for u, this might be the meanest decision i have taken....for
u this might be the cruelest decision i have taken.........but for me,
this is the correct decision and the best one.......

i will come back to u one day.......just lemme handle everything here
together.....just lemme hold all my thoughts, plans, goals together
and manage them for the time being....

i will return to u as a friend......lemme be free of this attachment for....

i will pray for u everyday......


God bless u forever......