thought waves

the feeling of being in love

2010-04-11T01:41:00.001+05:30

Love, when it lasts, has a profound effect on us. It makes us lose our rationale selves. It makes us do illogical things we would not have ever imagined doing when sober. Yes, sober. Because love is intoxicating. It brings out the best in us and also the worst. Why does it have such a contrasting effect on us? When does it bring out the best and when does it bring out the worst?

When love is conditional, it always has the potential to turn us irrational and violent, both in our thoughts and deeds. It has the potential to bring out the worst part of ourselves to the fore. This is not always the case though, but the potentiality exists of this happening. We ordinary human beings cannot love unconditionally without rising to a level of consciousness which is beyond the ordinary. It is impossible to love another human being unconditionally, except in the case of a mother’s love for her baby. However, this unconditional love ceases as the baby begins to form an identity separate from its mother, as it begins to wean from breast milk as its primary source of food.

For us, unconditional love is only possible for the divine. We can love the divine unconditionally, nothing else. Yes, I know I am talking in very absolute terms and though a part of my mind says there are no absolutes in this universe, everything is relative, I still would use absolute terms, because that is my state of mind right now. A little agitated. Yes, agitated because of love. Conditional love. I have set so many conditions for love to exist that even a slight absence of one of them jeopardizes the whole situation. It agitates me. This is just a lack of emotional maturity, I know that, but the emotions are so overwhelming that no amount of rationalization can set my nerves to rest.

Time is the biggest healer. And I hope it will heal my frayed nerves and emotional indigestion. Amen.

Romantic liaisons

2010-03-23T02:29:00.001+05:30

Just recently I came to know a few truths about a girl I had been becoming fond of. They were revealed to me by somebody she claimed to be her friend. This guy confided in me that he had been in a relationship with her and she had been in a relationship with his friend prior to him coming into her life. She had even slept with that other guy (after a few months of speaking to him on the phone).

Naturally, I was quite hurt by this revelation, not because she had been involved with the other guys but because she had hidden these facts from me even though I had asked her about it. I felt that was a breach of trust. I felt that was a breach of expectations. She had been a blatant liar. I called her up today and gave her a piece of my mind. I was rude for the first time in years to a girl, blatantly rude. It’s not that I am a saint and she’s the sinner, but I think my offensiveness was due to the fact that she had been a liar. I felt bad later. The guy who had revealed everything to me about her called me up to justify her silence, to defend her innocence. I felt how people could play games with their own minds, keep themselves in self-imposed illusions. I don’t want to be rude to people, but neither can I be pleasant at all times. There are times when rudeness is justified.

Well, I just formed a theory of human sexual behavior of my own after all that I have experienced in 28 years of my life. I think adultery is hardwired into us because:

a. The sex drive is as strong as the other basic biological drives.

b. The desire to have a sexual partner is very strong.

c. We humans are mostly attracted to qualities present in our mates and not to our mates themselves.

Let me explain (primarily for my own satisfaction):

a. The sex drive: It is one of the most primal instincts present in us. The desire to have an orgasm. It is as strong as the survival instinct, the instinct to give more priority to our own lives more than to that of others. There are exceptions like the people who put their own lives at risk to save others, cases of extreme altruism. However, these are exceptions. There are exceptions to the priority of sex drive too like monks who vow to remain celibate for life. However, for the majority of us ordinary men and women, the sex drive is irresistible when nature calls. Our body takes control and leaves us with guilt and incomprehension at times. We don’t know why we did it sometimes, but as always, the mind wants to stay in a state of harmony with the body and therefore devises ways of justifying our instinctive behavior. Nevertheless, as long as the body is capable of engaging in sexual acts, it will.

b. Sexual partner: The desire to have a sexual partner is as strong as the sex drive itself. It makes us see potential mates in every person of the opposite sex we come across (I will speak in heterosexual terms as I am heterosexual myself) and with whom it is socially acceptable. However, sometimes the desire for sexual partner extends to persons who might not be socially acceptable but the desire is so great that we tend to seek gratification at any cost, even though we might know that it might not be a very socially acceptable decision. We are all seeking sexual partners at all times, primarily people who still do not have a stable partner to gratify the sex drive.

c. Attractive qualities: Finally, we humans tend to fall in love with primarily the qualities present in our sexual partners and not with the partners themselves. The partners might change, but we always seek the same qualities we are attracted to in different partners. The bodies change, the characteristics that give the bodies an identify remain the same. Therefore, we might get attracted to one person today and the very next day fall for another because we see the qualities that we find attractive in that other person. Sometimes, we rise above this basic biological programming by being faithful to one partner in spite of having others around us with better representations of the qualities we seek, but that is mainly due to the need for stability. We do not like change or chaos in our lives. We seek stability and hence the need to have stable partners, but sometimes the desire to seek better representations of the qualities we seek make us unfaithful and our mind again comes up with ways to justify our actions because it wants a maintain state of harmony within itself.

Therefore, in conclusion, I have realized that unfaithfulness is a basic human quality which is mostly unavoidable. Virginity is not a matter of choice in most cases but of circumstances. Lastly, conceit is resorted to at times to get sexual partners and it is justified by the mind by its own strange logic. Perfection is an illusion. Expectations are bound to be shattered.

For a happy state of mind, have low expectations, do not seek perfection, and be in a state of acceptance.

JBL

the crimson moon

2010-03-23T01:43:00.001+05:30

It had been Holi today,

The festival of colors,

And strangely as I walked past the dark shades

Of the Krishnachura trees on the deserted road,

I saw the moon, painted an eerie red,

High up in the sky, burning bright

With a strange crimson light.

Seemed like the moon had been playing Holi too

And the red gulal had been smeared on it.

I came back to my thoughts and felt why everybody

Had a mind with twists and turns like that of a jalebi.

That includes myself.

Why did I think the moon had played Holi?

It was a nice thought though.

Evolving mind

2010-01-26T13:06:00.001+05:30

Of late, after having known Shoma now for a few months, I have begun to realize that people are more similar than different. Basically, they are all the same if we peel away the layers of conditioning and prejudices that envelope us. In trying to understand Shoma, as I usually try to do with all people I come in contact with, I have realized that what we all project is a result of our conditioning and nurture more than our instincts or nature. These are some concepts which even I find difficulty putting down on to paper but I have the realization. I feel inadequate when I am unable to explain it more lucidly.

I think it is a result of my mind evolving. New realizations are presented to me very now and then; they just dawn upon me. Sometimes I don’t take notice of them and sometimes I do. Sometimes I think deeply about them for sometime and then let them by as a passing thought, sometimes they affect me to the extent that I devote more of my thoughts to them. I feel inadequate to think deeply. I am a thinker as are most people, but a scattered thinker with no thought staying in my consciousness for more detailed and deep thinking, most of them being pushed into the subconscious. Most people have a similar thought process. They cannot hold a thought. It is more like a random filmstrip with random images being presented to our consciousness. I wish I was capable of more deeper thought; sometimes I want to do that. Is this also something that we can teach ourselves like most of the things in life?

I have to learn to say NO. It is one of the most important virtues to inculcate in myself now. Say NO to all the less important things in my life that occupy so much of my waking time. I need to say NO to them and spend time on the things I really would like to do.

This blog has begun to look more like a self-improvement guidebook. Well, if it helps me bring the best out of myself, I won’t regret it. I don’t want a readership for my blog. I am content to write for myself and see if it helps me somehow. I may start one for public readership soon. Amen.

Hi 2010!

2010-01-24T08:43:00.001+05:30

It’s been a few months now since my last post here. My blog is crying for attention. I won’t say I have been busy; that would be a very lame excuse. I just haven’t had the inclination to write of late. I have been more interested in reading. One of my resolutions at the beginning of last year was to read some of the books that had been lying with me unread for quite sometime. Yes, I just got through some of them and bought a few new ones and finished them up as well. I finished reading Amitav Ghosh’s A Sea of Poppies. It’s an outstanding piece of work by him, I couldn’t put it down until I had read the last page. I finished 300 odd pages in about a week. He is one of the best Indian writers in English I believe. He has a terrific command of the English language and his prose is flawless, his characters interesting, and his story uncannily coherent and informative. I loved reading the book and I eagerly await the release of his next book in the series.

I finished Robin Cook’s fast paced medical mystery. Slumdog Millionaire a.k.a. Q&A by Vikas Swaroop. Excellent reads, both of them. I tried to finish the P.G. Wodehouse I had invested so much money in, but unfortunately, I couldn’t, I lost interest midway. I found it too seeped in early 20th Century English culture which I found a bit difficult to follow, though I enjoyed his style of writing. Read Chetan Bhagat’s Three Mistakes of My Life – fast paced and very enjoyable. He’s a good storyteller. He keeps it simple. I like his style too.

Currently, I have a Jeffrey Archer to finish. Again, finding it a bit difficult to understand the context as it belongs to early 20th Century English society, but I will read along and see how much interest I can generate.

P.G. Wodehouse and Ayn Rand will have to wait. Atlas Shrugged needs to be finished, but not right now.

Well, coming back to how I welcomed New Year this time, I think I couldn’t have done better. I worked, night shift. Although that sounds very boring, I think it was a constructive way to step into a new year. I had the mandatory party on the 3rd of January with the pada guys. Alcohol and fags as usual. One of my resolutions this year was to quit fags. I have partially succeeded up until now. I have managed to keep my intake to the minimum. I am looking forward to cutting back on my tobacco intake. It’s stickier than Fevicol for sure. I am a veteran now of making resolutions and failing to live up to them. I am not alone.

I had joined the gym last year in September but couldn’t keep up the routine and there has a gap of two months since the last time I attended gym. I am planning to get back into shape (like I have been planning for years!).

Work has been shaping up quite well except for night shifts. One primary reason for my not being a regular at the gym is night shifts. I have a few ideas floating around in my head for sometime, let’s see what I can do about them. I hope to figure out a way soon. Money was something high on my priority list the previous year, and I think I have fared quite well in that department. There are more milestones to reach, however.

Well, I think this much will do for a New Year entry. More next time, which will be soon. I need to put some of my original thoughts down into the written form before they are too lost to be retrieved. And also just to be able to see what’s on my mind with my own eyes gives me a sense of purpose. Blogging is good.

Until then…keep evolving.

New guy in the gym!

2009-10-19T20:58:00.001+05:30

I finally took the BIG step of joining the gym last week. This particular item had been on my to-do list for I don’t know how long, must have been years. I was actually quite pleasantly surprised to find that I hadn’t lost my fitness to the extent that I had imagined. I still could do a few routine exercises quite easily and without much loss of energy. That was a revelation! That was just enough to give me the confidence and the motivation I needed to continue to increase my fitness level to what it was 10 years back and then go beyond. Somehow, I felt I could do it if 7 years of an 8-hour-a-day desktop job hadn’t been able to rust me up!

Wow!! Am I glad I joined the gym. You bet I am!

However, I just can’t bet my money on how long I am going to continue as has always been my nature. I start a good thing going only to let it slow down to a stop midway. Not any more! I hope!

Kudos to myself for at least beginning the process! My sudden change of work timings to a day shift slot did help though, and I really hope it remains so.

Amen!

In search of the right specimen!

2009-10-19T20:45:00.001+05:30

I have been on the lookout for ages now, but it seems like a never-ending search. I don’t understand why should it be so important for me! The search for the right person to share my genes with and pass it on for posterity. I have met specimens of all shapes, sizes and colors, only to reject one after the other. Yes, I have been rejected a few times too, though they may not have been very overt, but they were a rejections all right. Whatever!

I found a few good specimens to experiment and share my genes with but seems like they lost a golden opportunity to be a part of my research! They never realized the worth! Whatever!

A few specimens have been on my list for a long time now, one who’s afraid to sign the dotted line and two who are willing by all means but I have doubts whether they carry the right DNA for generation next. I wish I could use a trial and error method, but that would be antisocial and criminal. I have to use the other method, objective evaluation and rejection. Whatever!

This is a biological craving. The need to expand our genetic programming. And what not it makes us do!! I have done the most embarrassing of things just to calm my raging instincts. Yes, unmentionable, but one fine day I just might enter them here in my blog, one fine day…..

Whatever!

According to a 2009 Marist College poll, "whatever" was voted as the phrase that is "most annoying in conversation". (Source: Wikipedia).

There’s a season for festivals

2009-10-03T21:21:00.001+05:30

It’s midway through the festival season in India now. Well, to be honest, the festival season never ends here in India, but the period from September to December has more festivals celebrated here than during any other period of the year, namely Durga puja, Eid, Kali puja, Laxmi puja, Ganpathi Chaturthi, Navratri, Dusserah, Ram Navami, Diwali, Bhai phoonta, et al.

I had to buy new clothes as has been the norm set by my family (as almost all Bengali families around the world) during Durga puja each year. I could have done without it, but did not want to disappoint ma and Ranga; they surely were expecting new clothes even though they did not vocalize their thoughts. In a way, it’s a nice custom to buy clothes for others and yourself during Durga puja, as it is we don’t buy clothes all round the year. We need some new clothes after all. It brings a certain freshness into our lives (and sets the outflow motion of money which is not that bad a thing considering money is meant to flow).

I wanted to buy something for Deepali too but didn’t want to risk angering ma over this, she would have raised a storm. I gave her my mobile instead. I don’t know how foolish an act that was, but I somehow felt good doing it (maybe because I had said I would and I didn’t want to go back on my words). She had been holding back since the last few days and that had sent my male instincts into a chaotic flutter, but in spite of all my egoistic misgivings, I managed to convince myself to go through with the plan. I thought that would be the mature thing to do. I hope it was. I believe it was.

Again, my credit card burden is hovering at the heaviest, what with all that shopping extravaganza. It’s not that I bought a big bag of goodies, but as usual, I hadn’t been saving money for the puja shopping, so I had to pay using my credit card even though it already has an unpaid bill that I can ill-afford. Earning all that extra cash has come in handy and I certainly need to maintain the standards set and raise the level too. Finally, I am beginning to make a move towards where I had wanted to go.

I have my eyes set on the bike once again, after all that brainstorming, making and unmaking plans, innumerable moments of intense self-analytical thoughts, I have my eyes set on the bike once gain. Just can’t get it out of the system (maybe because I still haven’t been able to totally convince myself it is not worth it). I think I should own one before its too late, even if it is only for a few months. Way to go!

Puja came and puja went, in the blink of an eyelid. I had invited all the ‘pada’ guys over to my place for a rooftop chilled beer session. That was on Novomi. I was more keen about clicking a few pictures to upload in Orkut, it had been months that I hadn’t and I needed some new fodder for uploading. Went out with them after a few thirsty swigs and feeling that pleasant tipsy way that only beer can make you feel. Felt the need for a girl as always (ever since my male hormones had become active) without much I could do about it, except regret that I hadn’t tried much in life. The beer always makes me feel that way. Sometimes I feel that way even when sober.

This must be the most incoherent entry in my blog. There are a million entries in my head but, as always, I never have the time to actually sit and write them down. That’s probably my innate laziness at work again. Will try harder next time. Until then, Good night!

random sampling

2009-09-06T01:30:00.002+05:30

this is a hurriedly written post...so i m abandoning my usual adherence to grammar and spelling...i dunno where i m going wrong, but wherever it is.......it's weighing heavy on my mind...focus focus focus......i need to focus more at the priorities in my life and let go of this inertia that has me in a tight grip....i m trying to wriggle free out of this junkyard called complacency.......help!!!

Goals revisited

2009-08-22T00:17:00.003+05:30

It's been eight months now that I have been at home, the longest I have ever been since I moved out of home after my 12th standard exams. Works seems to be moving along smoothly with a few hiccups every now and then, just a reality check reminding me to thank my Gods! I like being grateful, and I appreciate this quality in others.

I have been revisiting my goals of late. My 28th birthday is fast approaching and I think I should really do something worthwhile this time. I was thinking of getting admitted to a gym. This had been on my t0-do list as well at the beginning of this year, but I hadn't taken any steps to get this done. I will do it this time, no more procrastinating! And, it's really time I get back into shape. I am in horrible shape now, not to mention my poor athletic condition. It's a shame I have let things come to this! Anyways, it's never too late.

Another thing that's been on my mind of late is money$$ :) I have been working doubly hard to earn some extra cash. I have been feeling the need to earn more very strongly since the last month or two. In the meantime, since my last blog, I have also started working for Focus, albeit in a small way. They are good with payments, got the little amount due to me last month for the work that I had done. It was timely, no hassles. Expecting a decent pay next month, more than I usually make. Money is a priority now. Some of the things on my to-do list need money to be accomplished!

A bicycle is also on my mind. A sports bike, not the regular variety. The motorbike desire is fading away fast as I get more acquainted with reality. Goals should not be too rigid. We should be flexible enough to mould them according to our best interests!

Lets see how the next month unfolds. Miles to go.................

Family outing

2009-07-12T23:44:00.001+05:30

Poro Ecopark was revisited today. Our group composition had some minor changes than what the original group in April consisted of. This time Rimpi, Pisimoni, and Rikku were a part of the team. Manta, maami, and maama were missing.

It really is a beautiful, scenic place to spend a day outdoors. Large open spaces, a gusty wind, greenery all around, quiet, serene, isolated; perfect for a weekend getaway.

It was a bright, sunny day to start with. However, as I had secretly wished all along, dark clouds began to appear from nowhere and it started raining catching us unawares. I did not try to shield myself from the rain; after all, that was that I had wanted, a rainy day at Poro Ecopark. We were frolicking around in the river when it began to pour. By the time we reached our shelter, we were soaked to the bones; completely drenched and happy. The river also had more water flowing through it this time than what we had seen in April, probably because of the rains the last few weeks had received. It was knee deep at least, allowing us to enjoy some childishly pleasant moments splashing around in the water.

I like the great outdoors. Wide open spaces with lots of sunlight, wind, greenery, and quietude. I wish I could spend more time enjoying the outdoors, my work being a major hindrance. It’s a sedentary indoors job in the artificial light of a CFL bulb burning somewhere above my head. I should be spending more time under the sky. I think I should be able to squeeze a little time out of my busy daily schedule to enjoy such moments.

That's besides the point, however.

It soon began to appear that the rain was not going to last after all. The clouds began to disperse after about 10 minutes of downpour and let the sun shine through again. We spent some time sitting at the rainwater pool watching the frogs leaping around on the water. They were amazingly skillful and lithe walking on the water surface as if it were terra firma.

Finally it was time to have our well-cooked, homely lunch. Rice, dal, chicken. With a full stomach, I couldn’t move around much and decided to just relax in the observation tower watching the day pass by. My camera has been a great investment. I have preserved all major events since I bought it in my computer hard disk. Great way to preserve memories.

It was finally time for us to bade goodbye to this beautiful place and we all boarded the autorickshaw that had brought us here, making me wish I had a car of my own, something that would take me where I wanted to go on my whims. A car of my own. Nice thought to end my rather tedious blog.

I will make it a point to spend more time under the sky, open outdoors. Amen.

It rained last night

2009-06-29T15:44:00.001+05:30

That seems like the title of poem, but unfortunately it isn’t! It is just another rambling blog from me. I haven’t written a poem for so long that I think I should try writing one very soon. Work and inertia is keeping me away from poetry. I am not claiming to have been a good poet by any standards anytime in my life, but I think I was readable (at least by myself!)

Well, to return to the title of this entry, it rained last night. It must have rained heavily because I woke up to mother’s cries of disbelief at the sight outside. There was a deluge in our courtyard. It was totally inundated with greenish muddy water, just a few inches away from entering our home. Luckily, it had already begun to recede by the time we woke up and the rain Gods had turned their attention to other things as well. It was still raining, though less wrathfully. I made the best use of this situation that I could think of – I waded out into the road, trousers rolled up over my knees, Johnny for company. I clicked a few pictures as well.

Rains finally bringing the temperatures down to more healthier levels. More rains are needed in parts of India which give us our daily bread, the food producing regions. The other day, I had been watching on TV how the delay in monsoons this year is causing sleepless nights for our “kisaan” brothers. I hope the rain Gods smile on them! I don’t understand how much of all this is an effect of the much-hyped Global Warming phenomenon, but sometimes I think some of it is. We need to instill more respect for the environment in ourselves. My own desire to buy a bike is in conflict with my desire to be eco-friendly – one of those conflicts that plague me.

Won’t talk about more conflict now. The rains were a relief. Thank God!!

Here’s something that crept into my mind while I was at the toilet, relieving myself.

Rain rain where are you,

Little Johnny is feeling blue,

Come to him, he wants to play,

Come and wash his tears away!

In retrospect

2009-06-29T14:58:00.001+05:30

With this I come to the end of another month without having done many of the things on my to-do list. No money saved (largely due to the new computer I had to buy). Guitar lessons still pending. Bike?? And a lots more!! One thing I am satisfied with is the volume of work I have done. It’s been much more than ever before since I started working on the Clarian account, so that’s something to boost my spirits up. Been spending less time online than is necessary for the first time in months. This really helped me push my productivity to new levels. Money is high on my list now, the more the better. I had to invest this much in my new system, just bought a new monitor. Buying a computer table, keyboard, and I don’t know what else still remains to be done. This has been a month of spending. Also, started the construction at home that I had remained on my to-do list for such a long time. Finally, things are moving.

Sometimes I think life is just that - a long, unreachable to-do list. Yeah, unreachable because there are so many items on that to-do list that it is just not possible to tick all of them off our list in one lifetime. At times, we have to tick items off to make the list more manageable, suppress our desires.

Talking about desire, it brings to my mind my own, unfathomable desires, the inner demons I have to fight with. They sometimes increase the gulf between what I am and what I would ideally like to be. They create conflict. However, I have actually come to terms with them to a much greater level than where I was a few years ago. I remember those days. I was constantly at conflict with my own desires. I was confused. I was striving to understand myself. With the passage of time, as I progressed in years and experience, greater understanding dawned upon me and I began to accept myself and my desires. I still fight against them sometimes, but the conflicts are happening with lesser frequency than they used to. Acceptance is a peaceful.

Acceptance may also be stagnation. If there is no conflict, there is no progress. Conflict is necessary. It keeps me on my toes. It eggs me on to be what I truly want to be instead of letting nature take its own path, and nature is not on my side. It makes me write such retrospective entries in my blog!

Let it pass! I am not really in a mood for such introspection. Let me dwell on more mundane issues. One of them being my imminent trip to Kolkata. Yes, more money involved, but fortunately, Manta has paid for the trip to Kolkata, and I have to pay out of my pocket for the return journey. I needed a break. I had to forgo a lot of activities I would have been involved with had I remained in Kolkata; Shoma’s marriage for one. I am just thinking about spending a few days away from work. I will lose out on some money in the process, but I think I need this. Once back from the trip, I have to work like a madman what with two accounts to deal with. Hoping for the best outcomes as usual. Hope is what keeps my clock ticking. Hope and acceptance.

Well, I think I should stop here without rambling on further. Got some work to attend to. June will see another entry from me, probably tomorrow. I hope :)

End of May

2009-06-04T13:19:00.001+05:30

May just passed by quietly (yes, the May that comes before June and after April). Silently, without much happening for me. I had been planning to visit Kolkata, but my boss didn’t see eye to eye with me. He has different plans. Well, the boss’s always right!!

The heat is just building up, even here in this small town of Alipurduar. However, I consider myself fortunate to have escaped the sweltering days of Kolkata summers!! Oh! Those were the days! Sweat trickling down my back, my arms, my forehead, and several other parts of my anatomy!! The travel through superheated concrete roads, the blast of summer air coming in through the open windows of the bus, and lastly the crowds, the body heat adding to the heat of the atmosphere. Thank God, I am not a part of that lifestyle anymore.

The last day of this month just brought back an old memory from last year. I was flipping around with some topics in my mind to write about when this memory came flooding back. It must have been the heat and humidity which brought back this pleasant memory.

It was sometime last year, summer in Kolkata. Vishal had been staying with us for a few days. It was a Sunday, a Sunday afternoon. It had just rained the day before and there were still patches of wetness here and there. As usual, there was a power-cut at home and so Vishal and I decided to go out somewhere and try to cool ourselves off.

We wandered off towards the playground which is just a few minutes’ walk away from our house. The whole playground was wet from the previous night’s rain. There was nobody playing there, it was all muddy and poodles of water had formed everywhere. The sun was beginning to fall below the horizon throwing that beautiful violet hue to the sky that only a dusking sun can. It was so pleasantly cool, in stark contrast to the sweltering day preceding that dusk. Before we knew it, we had taken our shoes off and started walking around in the mud puddles, just like those kids in TV commercials do. We wandered aimlessly talking about life, love, and hope, our feet firmly grounded in the muddy expanse. The sensation of the cool, wet grass crushing under our feet and the natural mud packs we were giving ourselves just swept me away. I enjoyed it so thoroughly. As the light grew dimmer and dimmer, the joy increased manifold, there began to blow a cool breeze over the playground. We finally decided to let go of all our hedonistic indulgences and head towards home. We were muddy and soiled, but we didn’t mind……it was well worth it!!

Night watch

2009-05-14T00:49:00.002+05:30

Another night finds me sitting alone in my workshop (I don't even know if that's the right word to use for the room I am using as my office, what about sweatshop??).

No work at the moment, waiting for more files to be processed. Medical transcription is monotonous I agree, but it has helped me earn my bread and butter for the last six years, helped me live with dignity in a world where my previous schoolmates have gone on to do their MBAs and BEs and moved on to wealthier paychecks. I think I am happy being where I am, maybe a tad bit disappointed with the paycheck, but not much really. I am at home, its a green town I am living in now. Isn't this what I had wanted all along? The early morning sun has a strange effect on our poorly manicured garden (its more of a wild overgrowth than a garden). The garden seems to obtain a peculiar yellowish glow in the light of the 6 a.m. sun. The sight is truly beautiful. And that's one of the things enticing me to stay put. There's of course mom and everybody else, and the luxury of not having to travel to work. That was torture!

Moreover, all the things on my to-do list scheduled well into the fag end of this year will keep me occupied. It's a shame though that I haven't been doing much with regard to achieving some of the goals I set for myself. Buying a guitar was a start at least, a late one nonetheless. The gym in town is still awaiting my arrival :p

Oh Yes! Started reading Wodehouse again, the book that I had left unfinished since September last year. There's still Amitav Ghosh on the shelf.

A dental appointment in the evening today kept me a little tense until I finally had my teeth pulled out. It wasn't much time-consuming nor very painful, thanks to the mind-numbing injection into my gums. I was a little apprehensive all right, but braved it without as much as a whimper. Looking forward to my new toothless grin :) The pain, however, is keeping me awake, not that it's very severe; it's more of a dull ache, but enough to be causing little discomfort. Hope, things will be better tomorrow morning.

Again, my thoughts keep steering towards the abnormal when I think about a certain girl. Does she not care for me? Am I just like any other guy in her life? Am I asking for too much from her?

These are the thoughts that drill into my mind everytime I miss an appointment with her. One moment, I am thinking I should stay away from her, and the next moment, I am back to missing her like anything. I don't really understand her or our relationship, or my emotions involved. I think I need to do some more brainstorming on this. Lets keep it pending for a more appropriate time.

Signing off for now!

Zarre Zarre mein usi ka noor hai

2009-05-13T13:08:00.001+05:30

Zarre Zarre mein usi ka noor hai,

Jhak Khud me, woh na tujhse door hai,

Ishq hai usse, toh sabse ishq kar,

Is Ibadat ka yahi dastoor hai,

Is me, us me, aur us me hai wohi,

Yaar mera har taraf bharpoor hai!!

Yesterday, while browsing the net, I came across this beautiful piece of poetry from the movie, Delhi-6. Words set to life by Prasoon Joshi. I must say, he’s one of the most talented new lyricists in Bollywood now.

Here’s my attempt at an English translation of this:

His light permeates each and every grain, everywhere,

Take a look into your own self, and you will find Him there,

If you love Him, then love Him in all His forms,

As this is the manual of prayer he adorns,

He’s is in you, them, and everybody,

Without my friend, I am nobody.

I know Prasoon would have done a much better job at translating, but I hope this isn’t too mediocre…..just a little tribute from my end to his amazing song-writing abilities!!

One little step

2009-05-13T12:36:00.000+05:30

It’s been four months now that I shifted to my home from a busy existence in Kolkata. The pace of life here is snail-like compared to what I am used to. Nevertheless, I am relishing this change. However, my one serious complaint with myself is my indolence. Despite having had a world of time in my hands, I haven’t really done the things that were uppermost in my mind earlier this year. Television is one of the biggest hindrances. Each morning after turning off the PC, I tend to spend hours in front of the TV watching basically nothing, channel surfing. I have really got to cut down on my daily doses of TV to get the things done that really matter to me. However, a week ago, I finally got down to taking that first tremulous step to towards one of my goals this year – I bought a guitar :)

Its been adorning my workshop for the last week or so for the time being. I plan to put it to good use soon. Until then, best wishes!!!

HAIL MOZART

2009-05-02T10:54:00.001+05:30

Here's a beautiful creation by the genius, Mozart.......more elaboration to follow!!

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

Deepali is back

2009-05-02T10:05:00.002+05:30

Yes, she's back. Her parents found it more profitable to let her remain with us with, I am sure, some helpful coercion from her. However, she is dearer to us by a hundred bucks more. Yes, that isn't much at all, but I feel they could have been a little more forthright about this whole issue of getting a raise for her. Nevertheless, the important thing is that she's back and we are all happier!!

Hosh_Walon_Ko_Khab...

Deepali

2009-04-17T00:29:00.001+05:30

She was in our lives for a brief period of time, a little around a year. In my life for a briefer period of around five months. I first came to know that she had begun living with mother when I was still in Kolkata, just beginning to initiate the process of moving to home. It was a relief for me that mother had company now and would not have to live alone in our sprawling house. I was just hoping that she would turn out to be somebody I could like.

I was wrong.

I met her for the first time when I came home on vacation for a few days to visit mother. I liked her instantly, felt immediately drawn towards her. She moved in quietly, getting accustomed to mother’s way of doing things. She was unobtrusive, quietly getting her work done, efficient, and comfortable to be with. In other words, she was just the kind of person I was looking out for to stay with mother at home and help her out with her daily chores.

She would quietly rub oil into my hair, without uttering a single word, running those small, thin fingers through my hair, putting me to sleep. She would somehow pass on her serenity and quietude to me. She had a maturity that was way beyond her 14 years of life. I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her words. She managed mother remarkably well. I still remember the way she laughed off mother’s tantrums when she would lose at a game of Ludo, their daily pastime in the afternoons.

Then, four months later, I shifted to home permanently from Kolkata. I set up my home office and began to settle down into a routine with time, and a part of that routine was getting my head massaged by her everyday before falling off to sleep in the afternoon. It was my most awaited moment of the day after completing the day’s work, something I really looked forward to.

We began to get more and more dependent on her for the smallest of things; our regular cups of tea, putting my clothes in order. Her name would be at the tip of our tongues. We just could not get along without her. When mother went to stay with her aunt for a few days, she was the one who managed our home affairs and she did brilliantly well. She was so efficient, we hardly felt mother’s absence. She would stir up some very palatable dishes for us at the meal times. She was an excellent cook for somebody her age. She just knew how to get things done efficiently and without fuss.

I liked her not only because she was good at her work but also because she was good from within. She would exude that goodness. A few small little things she did without being asked to were the ones that really touched me; making a glass of lemonade when I really needed it, brushing my shoes when I least expected her to do it, and many other small gestures that were so unexpected. I began to feel she would be with us forever, it was difficult imagining life without her.

And then it happened. Her father fell sick and called for her to be with him. This news came as a shock for us all, and especially me. I had never realized how attached I was to her until this day. I began to think of the things I could do to prevent her from going home, of the ways I could make her stay longer, but better sense prevailed and I realized that I could not make her stay with us against her parent’s wishes. I almost pleaded with her to come back once her father’s health was back to normal. We also had suspicions that her father was planning to marry her off. It was a major sense of loss that I was going through after coming to know about this.

And it was one of those rare occasions that my eyes moistened when I was sitting alone in my office room reflecting on all the wonderful moments that Deepali had brought into our lives. I felt as if she was “lokkhi” for our home; the Bengali concept of somebody who is considered to be lucky, a source of peace, joy, and prosperity. I felt as if we are losing our “lokkhi.” I reluctantly bade goodbye to her today morning, feeling the deep sense of loss that had been mine since yesterday, accentuated by the tears in her eyes. She waved one last goodbye at me when she had gone some distance and that was the last I saw of her.

I just hope she continues to spread the joy and goodness that she is made of wherever she goes; I just hope she remains the “lokkhi” that she is for any home she adorns later in her life.

I hope to meet her again.

Following the herd

2009-03-29T09:44:00.001+05:30

The pressures and temptations of settling down into a comfortable and conventional existence begins to weigh down on me at times. The temptations of letting things remain the way they are, not venturing out of my comfort zone, living a riskless, safe life. I don’t mean just physical risk, even a shift in my thought processes towards a different direction is detected by my unconscious as a risk and hence resisted. Big words I know, but could not have explained in any other way. The conventional progression of life from childhood to adulthood to old age to death with getting an education taking the highest priority in childhood, earning a living and getting married in adulthood, just waiting for death to arrive in old age, and the end of the cycle in death (but who knows if the cycle ends there!)

I am not extraordinarily talented in anything that can consume me wholly and get the highest priority in my life at the expense of settling down into the conventional routine. And if I am, then I am yet to find it out. Nevertheless, I still want to steer clear of the conventional existence of working for money, marrying for continuity of tradition and lineage, retiring from an active life, and waiting for death. I want to escape the dullness of a conventional life. I don’t want to follow the herd.

Marriage is imminently nearing now tempting me with the promise of a companion for life, an outlet for my primal urges, another addition to my support system, an opportunity to pass on my genes to the next generation, and so on and so forth. However, it also means bondage, loss of independence, attachment, the pressures of conforming to another person’s wishes, and the list goes on……

It might just be a necessary evil……………………………………to be continued…….

The pilgrim’s progress

2009-02-26T23:35:00.001+05:30

I had always wanted to go on a trekking trip to the mountains; it had been a long cherished dream for me; so when Johnny informed me that he and his friends were planning to go on a trip to the Jayanti Hills at the Bhutan border, I was overjoyed and agreed readily to be the fourth member of their team.

I was a little apprehensive because of stories doing the rounds that the trip to the hills is a grueling walk through rocky mountain terrain, steep climbs, and umpteen other discouraging facts. However, I was determined to make the trip for two reasons: Firstly, to prove a point to myself that I am still in fairly good physical condition to undertake such a trip, and secondly to break free of routine monotony.

It was Mahashivratree, an auspicious day for Hindus all over the world, that they had decided to go on the trip. Although I have never been one to wear my religion on my sleeves, it was a good excuse for going on the trip to the Shiv mandir at the top of the hill.

D-day was February 23, 2009. Awakened from sleep an hour too early at 5 a.m. from the excitement . I could already hear voices outside our gate of Johnny and the others waiting for me to join them. Our journey began on a bad note when we had to give up our comfortable seats which we had taken a lot of pains to capture for another bus with no seats available, had to stand for the entire one hour journey. Reached Jayanti sooner than I had expected and after a brief halt at the nearest tea stall, we were on our way to the hills. I decided to remain fasting until I had performed the pujas, so had nothing to eat except for a cup of Complan.

The moment we reached the dry river bed, I knew this journey was going to be worth it. The sight was awesome with the rock strewn wide expanse of the waterless river all around us and a clear blue sky.

It was indeed a grueling walk on the rocky surface of the river bed. I began to feel myself tiring faster than the other guys, and kept falling behind them. However, I didn’t allow myself the luxury of asking them to stop for a breather. I kept pace with them trying hard to conceal my obvious discomfort hoping that my strength will last until we reach the spot. It was then, on the last leg of our journey to the makeshift camp and Shiv mandir put up by the trader association, that we saw the fire in the grasslands. It was an angry, growling, all-consuming fire devouring the tall, dry grasses. The sound of the crackling and exploding dryness of the grasses combined with the size of the flames was enough to make people stop in their tracks and be a spectator. It was a scary sight, and the thought that we had to walk through that narrow aisle between the two grasslands where one of them was on fire, wasn’t was a very pleasant proposition. I managed to cross the narrow trail through the grasslands without getting burnt though.

We reached the makeshift camp soon after crossing the burning grasslands, performed the pujas, and had a sumptuous meal of khichri and sabzi. Took some time off for letting our feet rest a while and did some shopping at the fair. Bought a brown-white conch for mom as a souvenir and resumed our journey towards the more difficult terrain leading to the top of the hill. The journey began to get more and more arduous what with huge boulders and rocks cropping up every now and then on our trekking route. The most amusing sight was to see enthusiastic young girls with high heels, ankles swaying wayward, threatening to break with every step, for company along the way. There was a crowd today where normally it is deserted, robbing the hills of some of its solitude.

Finally we reached the spot where we were supposed to cross a shabbily built bamboo bridge over a mountain stream. The stream wasn’t a deep one but the water current was strong enough to carry a person with it and crash him against the rocks, so nobody dared cross the stream without the help of the bamboo bridge. To our misfortune, however, the bridge had broken down under pressure from the increased human traffic today and the only path leading to the higher reaches of the hill was blocked. With no other alternatives other than waiting for the bridge to be repaired, we decided to make the most of our wait and frolicked around in the nearby oversized boulders. The clear, pristine water running through the stream was a delight and I decided to take my clothes off for a quick dip. I kept my shorts on of course. The touch of the water was cold and refreshing, lingering on my skin for the entire day afterwards. Enjoyed thoroughly, clicking away like a professional shutterbug at whatever caught my fancy. A saffron-clad sadhu perched on the rocks, immersed in reading aloud from a book did catch my fancy among other things. A beautiful black and pink dotted butterfly was another.

Even though I could have spent the rest of the day lying around in the water, decided not to for fear of catching a cold. It was cold and there was a gusty wind blowing around. Put my clothes back on after drying myself and resumed our downward journey. It would not have been in our best interests to wait for the bridge to be repaired as daylight fades fast in the hills and I had my duties to attend to back home. Thus, the four of us were on our way back, disappointed at not having been able to complete the journey, but I was more than satisfied with whatever little I had experienced of our trekking trip. It had been worth it. The cool mountain air, the walk through the rocky terrain, the angry fire, and most of all the few minutes spent in the stream. It had been well worth it.

Decided to end the trip with a bottle of beer each to relax our overstretched muscles. Found a nice deserted spot along the embankment of the river and gulped down the contents of our bottles within minutes. The cool wind blowing on my face and the beer began to make their effect felt and before I knew it, I had dozed off in the bus. Johnny and the others were travelling on the roof of the bus!! Thank God I had a seat to myself inside; dozing off on the roof isn’t a very pleasant thought!!

When I opened my eyes again, I realized we had already reached Alipurduar and there was a commotion outside involving Johnny, the other guys, and the bus conductor. Matters were settled and they decided to not pay the bus fare to teach a lesson to the bus conductor for being rude!! I had already paid mine unfortunately.

Reached home finally to relate the events of the day to mom and uncle; the pain in my flanks a constant reminder of today’s trip…..the pleasant ache of muscles put to good use!!

A new year, a new beginning

2009-01-27T22:23:00.001+05:30

As I look back at the year gone by, I realize that it was a year which saw me repress many of my goals and ideals that I had been thinking about for a long time, just to see the year through till the end, waiting for the completion of one year of father’s death.

I just went about my daily tasks, the routine life, not really trying to make the changes that I actually had in mind. My work took away the lion’s share of my time, effort, and attention. I couldn’t make much headway in that area as well. Various reasons converging to result in that state of stasis.

I have a brand new year to try and make things happen, to move myself out of this stasis and dust off the cobwebs of inertia and indolence and keep myself focused on the goals that I have had for years now. Just do it.

Here’s a wish list for bonny 2009.

Get my fitness regime back on track. Regain my fitness that I have lost over the last couple of years of leading a largely sedentary lifestyle.
Get the education that I so deserve :)……Last year saw me doing nothing in this regard, I just let things remain status quo, making no efforts to make any changes there.
Make some positive changes in my lifestyle with regards to diet and hygiene……cut down on junk food that has nourished me for the last couple of years….its almost second nature for me now, but habits can be changed and it’s time now I change some of mine.
Get that motorbike that I have dreamt about for so long……after almost two years of postponing and re-postponing.
Learn to play the guitar…..
Read more……..there are so many books I bought last year that have been lying on the shelf crying out to be read, ignored but not forgotten….I have to give them the respect they deserve…….
Write more…….I don’t have a very high opinion of myself as a writer but this is something that I think I want to do…….I am a bit confused in this regards, but I still think this is something that I would like to do…..am I deluding myself?? I don’t really know, but lets find out this year………so lets write more!!
Travel to the places that have remained on my travel list, unchecked, for years. Delhi being on top of my list.
Save more money and build up a fortune!! Okay, I know one year is just not enough with the kind of income that my work generates but it’s never too late to make a beginning…..start contributing to the PPF account that I have ignored for the last year and a half, invest in mutual funds, etc……more detailed thinking later on……

There are other things that I would have liked to add to that wish list for 2009, but for now, I think the above is just good enough.

So here’s wishing myself all the best for fulfilling at least some of the goals on my wish list if not all……Cheers!!!

Leisure by W.H. Davies

2007-10-13T11:53:00.000+05:30

What is this life if, full of care,We have no time to stand and stare?—
No time to stand beneath the boughs,And stare as long as sheep and cows:
No time to see, when woods we pass,Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:
No time to see, in broad daylight,Streams full of stars, like skies at night:
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,And watch her feet, how they can dance:
No time to wait till her mouth canEnrich that smile her eyes began?
A poor life this if, full of care,We have no time to stand and stare.

I like it when your heart beats faster

2007-09-28T12:50:00.000+05:30

I can hear your heart beats,
The fast rhythmic dub-dub-dub,
I can see your rosy blush,
And on your forehead, the glistening beads.

I can hear your pounding heart,
And the rapid heaves of your breath,
I can see your eyes grow moist,
And your muscles tense, all alert.

I can hear your thumping heart,
And the trembling in your limbs and lips,
And I can feel you turn red hot,
Although we are really miles apart.

Had I been by your side right now,
I would have opened my arms wide,
And whispered a few words of comfort,
And calmed you and hugged you tight.

And laid your head upon my lap,
And calmed your thumping chest,
'Coz when your heart beats faster mon cher,
I tell you I like it best.

And after this, I now can sense,
The gifts of God to you,
Your purity, your innocence,
And with this, I bid adieu.

Ode to a friend I love

2007-09-25T14:36:00.000+05:30

THE BLUE BUTTERFLY

She's the dew-laden gust of moist cool breeze on the face,
She's the cool, surreal, pristine, all-encompassing mountain haze,
She's the sudden burst of cool shower on a hot summer day,
She's that sense of pure delight felt by a lost man who just found his way,
She's the far-away sound of the temple bells on a misty winter morning,
She's the warmth of a freezing December night with a delightful bonfire burning,
She's the scent of the earth with the first drops of summer rain,
She's the sweet consequence of unbridled passion, that blissful, colicky pain,
She's the transquility of a solitary night under a moon-lit starry sky,
She's the serenity of sitting on the rocks and watching the ocean waves roll by,
She's the joy of finding in the eyes of your beloved, the love she has for you,
She's the comforting hug of a true friend when you are down and feeling blue,
She's the inspiration behind this poem, the angel whom this is dedicated to,
She's my little blue butterfly, she's an angel called Ritu.

The Sweeper

2007-08-31T13:41:00.000+05:30

I love watching the sweeper at his work, especially at railway stations. Earlier today, while I was waiting for the Up train to Sealdah, I had the good fortune to observe a sweeper at work on the platform on the other side. It was a pleasure watching him clean up the platform with brisk strokes of his broom. Collecting stray pieces of paper, toffee wrappers, cigarette butts, etc. with each sweep of his broom and bringing them to the front of him in an orderly fashion. Another long sweep of his broom for the more distant neighbors of the rubbish. He was very precise and orderly at his work. I love watching how each small segment of the platform is freed of dirt and filth, and then the next until the sweeper has done his job. No more filth anywhere to be seen, or almost anywhere. One of the reasons I love watching this is maybe because the results of his labor are there to be seen before my very eyes. The efforts he puts in and the results they bring are very apparent. With each sweep of his broom decongesting a small portion of the platform, and the repetitive nature of the job, until the whole platform is freed of filth.........I can't really go on about this because I don't have the analytical prowess required to really say why I love watching a sweeper at work.......but why count the seed when you are enjoying the mango??

To Die in Joy

2007-08-27T15:45:00.000+05:30

I had written this poem years ago when I was still doing my graduation.....

Take one step, then take the other
Place your feet one after another,
Stop not till u reach the place,
No matter where u stand in the race

Reaching last is not the concern,
Efforts u put in and the calories u burn,
What gives u peace at the end of the day,
Is the thought that u have spent it the right way.

Look to the left, and look to the right,
Look everywhere, but don't lose sight,
Train ur sight to be on ur mission,
Keep moving, no matter how far the destination.

You reach there or maybe u don't,
But don't count ur bruises, don't count ur wounds,
In the core of ur heart, u know very well,
You have been on the path and worked out like hell.

There's all there is to it my Boy,
To live in peace and die in joy!!!

2007-08-10T14:45:00.000+05:30

Today I had the misfortune to be privy to the very unfortunate news of my friend's death. Raju died in an accident last Sunday when he was travelling home from a marriage party. He was the pillion rider.

He was a very gregarious and friendly human being. Although he wasn't very close to me, he was a friend nonetheless. I have spent time with him eating, drinking, and having general good times. It is unfortunate that he is no more among us.

May u rest in peace wherever u r Raju.......God bless u.

blind progress

2007-06-26T20:11:00.000+05:30

We tend to move through our lives with our eyes closed. We never really sit back and think about the journey, the progress we are making in our lives; chronologically, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, so on and so forth.........I really would like to have the ability to observe and contemplate